Here's Your Sign / Label Laughs

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: 

On Sears hairdryer: 

Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: 

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. 

 (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: 

Directions: Use like regular soap. 

 (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: 

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: 

Do not turn upside down. 

 (printed on bottom of the box)(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 

Product will be hot after heating. 

 (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 

Do not iron clothes on body. 

 (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: 

Do not drive car or operate machinery. 

 (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: 

Warning: may cause drowsiness. 

 (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: 

Warning keep out of children. 

 (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: 

For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: 

Not to be used for the other use. 

 (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: 

Warning: contains nuts. 

 ( Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

( DDDUUUHHH)

On a Swedish Chainsaw: 

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 

 (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs Superman Costume: 

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 

 ( That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

 

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A Dog Named Beau (Written by Jimmy Stewart)

Beau He never came to me when I would call Unless I had a tennis ball, Or he felt like it, But mostly he didn't come at all. When he was young He never learned to heel Or sit or stay, He did things his way. Discipline was not his bag But when you were with him things sure didn't drag. He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me, And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me. He bit lots of folks from day to day, The delivery boy was his favorite prey. The gas man wouldn't read our meter, He said we owned a real man-eater. He set the house on fire But the story's long to tell. Suffice it to say that he survived And the house survived as well. On the evening walks, and Gloria took him, He was always first out the door. The Old One and I brought up the rear Because our bones were sore. He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on, What a beautiful pair they were! And if it was still light and the tourists were out, They created a bit of a stir. But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks And with a frown on his face look around. It was just to make sure that the Old One was there And would follow him where he was bound. We are early-to-bedders at our house-- I guess I'm the first to retire. And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me And get up from his place by the fire. He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs, And I'd give him one for a while. He would push it under the bed with his nose And I'd fish it out with a smile. And before very long He'd tire of the ball And be asleep in his corner In no time at all. And there were nights when I'd feel him Climb upon our bed And lie between us, And I'd pat his head. And there were nights when I'd feel this stare And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair. And sometimes I'd feel him sigh and I think I know the reason why. He would wake up at night And he would have this fear Of the dark, of life, of lots of things, And he'd be glad to have me near. And now he's dead. And there are nights when I think I feel him Climb upon our bed and lie between us, And I pat his head. And there are nights when I think I feel that stare And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair, But he's not there. Oh, how I wish that wasn't so, I'll always love a dog named Beau. ~ Jimmy Stewart ~

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Little Golden Book | Morals

The Poky Little Puppy": What Lessons Does This Book Teach ... Little Golden Books often feature simple, engaging stories with clear morals suitable for young children. Many of these stories highlight the importance of kindness, sharing, and overcoming challenges. For example, The Poky Little Puppy teaches about the consequences of being sneaky and lazy. I Am Golden emphasizes the beauty of diversity and celebrating one's heritage. - AI Overview The Little Red Hen - Moral of the story is don't be lazy and expect everyone else to do the work and then be rewarded for being lazy in the end. The Princess And The Pea - Not to judge a person by their appearance Chicken Little - The story provides a safe space to explore anxieties and the consequences of impulsive actions. The Store Boaught Doll - Teaching how some of the best things in life aren't things you can buy, but the things that were made with love Tootle - Tootle has to stay on the tracks, not to please Bill, but because he is a train and he is destined to become a Flyer. Everything I Need to Know About Family I Learned From a Little Golden Book - proves once again that those gold-spined books hold wisdom that transcends childhood. - Moral of something like half of Dr. Seuss's catalog: be satisfied with what you have. On the Lighter Side of Things: Moral of Goodnight Moon: A good technique for delaying going to bed is to insist on saying 'Goodnight' to every single object in your room (and, if needed, the house). Moral of The Cat in the Hat: It's okay to let that stray cat in while Mom's gone. It will totally clean up the mess it's making before she gets back. The Tawny Scrawny Lion: Vegetarian diets are fattening. Additional moral of "The Tawny Scrawny Lion": don't eat animals because they are people too, except fish. Tootle: Trains are totally easy to trick. (This is also the moral of many episodes of "Thomas the Tank Engine.") The Poky Little Puppy: That weird Aspergery kid may seem like a harmless nuisance, but watch out, because he's probably plotting to steal your chocolate custard. Scuffy the Tugboat: You may think you're destined for bigger and better things, but you're so wrong, loser. The Saggy Baggy Elephant: Don't listen to asshole parrots. The Shy Little Kitten: Cats eat carrots. The Little Red Hen: the fruits of labor belong to the proletariat  Also check out this read about Diane Muldrow's Book here This book provides humorous yet practical life advice for adults culled from iconic Little Golden Books from the mid-20th century. The Golden Book of 365 Stories PDF

 

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She Was At A Loss... (Dear Abby)

Readers probe the columnist ,Dear Abby for guidance on issues related to religion, family, business, and other forms of interpersonal conflict. What is really scary is that these people can vote . . . DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS ... Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Advice columnist Ann Landers, right, and her twin sister Pauline, who also wrote an advice column as Dear Abby,
are shown in a photo from June 1986, at their 50th high school reunion in Sioux City, Iowa. (AP Photo/John Gaps III)

 

Did you know....

The "Dear Abby" advice column is currently written by Jeanne Phillips, who uses the pen name Abigail Van Buren. She inherited the column from her mother, Pauline Phillips, who founded it in 1956. Jeanne Phillips has been writing the column since 2000.
 

Dear Abby ARCHIVES - UExpress has Abigail Van Buren's (also known as Jeanne Phillips) Dear Abby column archives dating back to 1991.
 

Pauline Esther Phillips (née Friedman; July 4, 1918 – January 16, 2013), also known as Abigail Van Buren, was an American advice columnist and radio show host who began the well-known Dear Abby newspaper column in 1956. It became the most widely syndicated newspaper column in the world, syndicated in 1,400 newspapers with 110 million readers. - Wiki

 

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