...POCKETKNIVES?
Every time I break a nail, need to slice an apple, peel a cantaloupe, slice a watermelon, or do ANYTHING that requires a cutting instrument, out comes Hubby's trusty pocketknife! I carry a pocketknife too, but I still use nail clippers, scissors and paring knives. Who knows where his knife's been? Men use them to cut - and clean the dirt from underneath - toenails and fingernails; peel cucumbers and cut tomatoes while walking around the garden; cut and trim anything electrical that needs fixing; scrape grass from under the mower; scrape "stuff" off the bottoms of their shoes and scads of other things. Who knows what that knife does in the bathroom or when we women aren't around to see them use it? Has anyone EVER seen a man clean his pocketknife? I've seen them sharpen their knives - spit and hone, spit and hone, spit and hone - but I've never seen them clean one.
...LOOSE CHANGE?
I hate that jingle! Hubby will carry change until his pockets get so full, he has to hitch his belt up a notch. The absolute worst thing is when men try to "help" the cashier (or their wives) at the checkout. When the cashier tells me the amount - no matter how much the "cents" is - I give her enough bills to cover it so I can get some change back to put in my money jar. What does Hubby do EVERY TIME, even though I've had many talks with him about it? "Here. I've got that." Then, he digs in every pocket for at least five minutes trying to find two cents! All the while, I'm fuming because the cashier completely ignored my money and is waiting for Hubby to come up with two cents. Finally, he either finds the coins or says apologetically, "Well, I thought I had it." We try to save all the state quarters we can get and I've told Hubby not to dig out the correct change; that way, he'll get some change back and may get one of those quarters. "Oh yeah, I forgot." He forgets the next time too.
I hate that jingle! Hubby will carry change until his pockets get so full, he has to hitch his belt up a notch. The absolute worst thing is when men try to "help" the cashier (or their wives) at the checkout. When the cashier tells me the amount - no matter how much the "cents" is - I give her enough bills to cover it so I can get some change back to put in my money jar. What does Hubby do EVERY TIME, even though I've had many talks with him about it? "Here. I've got that." Then, he digs in every pocket for at least five minutes trying to find two cents! All the while, I'm fuming because the cashier completely ignored my money and is waiting for Hubby to come up with two cents. Finally, he either finds the coins or says apologetically, "Well, I thought I had it." We try to save all the state quarters we can get and I've told Hubby not to dig out the correct change; that way, he'll get some change back and may get one of those quarters. "Oh yeah, I forgot." He forgets the next time too.
...THE WEATHER CHANNEL?
Why is it that, the older a man gets the more he watches the weather channel? "It's supposed to rain today," Hubby ventures every so often at breakfast. I always reply, "If it's supposed to rain, it'll rain." Weather doesn't bother me. It's gonna do what it's gonna do. Or Hubby will say, "It was supposed to rain yesterday and it didn't." I say, "Honey, if it was supposed to have rained, it would have rained." "Oh no," he responds, "they said it was supposed to rain." "Who are they?" I ask innocently. "The people on The Weather Channel," he says defensively. This husband of mine, who can discuss world events and numerous other subjects intelligently and at great length, believes EVERYTHING the weather person says! He'll watch the channel for two to three hours straight. When I've heard the local forecast so many times I'm ready to scream, I go to my loving spouse and say, "Honey, how many times do you need to hear the local forecast? It doesn't change that fast." "Well, I ain't got a chance to read it all because I was pouring a cup of coffee (or lighting a cigarette, or making a quick trip to the bathroom, or peeking out the window to see what the neighbors are doing) and I missed it." When he sees the look on my face, he changes the channel to the news, AND WATCHES IT FOR THE NEXT TWO TO THREE HOURS! Oh well, he could be out tomcatting around or drinking or gambling, so I guess The Weather Channel is the lesser of all those evils - so far.
Why is it that, the older a man gets the more he watches the weather channel? "It's supposed to rain today," Hubby ventures every so often at breakfast. I always reply, "If it's supposed to rain, it'll rain." Weather doesn't bother me. It's gonna do what it's gonna do. Or Hubby will say, "It was supposed to rain yesterday and it didn't." I say, "Honey, if it was supposed to have rained, it would have rained." "Oh no," he responds, "they said it was supposed to rain." "Who are they?" I ask innocently. "The people on The Weather Channel," he says defensively. This husband of mine, who can discuss world events and numerous other subjects intelligently and at great length, believes EVERYTHING the weather person says! He'll watch the channel for two to three hours straight. When I've heard the local forecast so many times I'm ready to scream, I go to my loving spouse and say, "Honey, how many times do you need to hear the local forecast? It doesn't change that fast." "Well, I ain't got a chance to read it all because I was pouring a cup of coffee (or lighting a cigarette, or making a quick trip to the bathroom, or peeking out the window to see what the neighbors are doing) and I missed it." When he sees the look on my face, he changes the channel to the news, AND WATCHES IT FOR THE NEXT TWO TO THREE HOURS! Oh well, he could be out tomcatting around or drinking or gambling, so I guess The Weather Channel is the lesser of all those evils - so far.
...THE PAST?
There's an old saying, "The older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school when he was a child." I can attest to the fact that it's a true statement. Every time men tell how hard they had it growing up or how far they had to walk to school, or how they had to wear hand-me-downs, or work harder than their brothers, they stretch it from the last time they told it. Don't they think we remember what they've said each time they've told it before?
There's an old saying, "The older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school when he was a child." I can attest to the fact that it's a true statement. Every time men tell how hard they had it growing up or how far they had to walk to school, or how they had to wear hand-me-downs, or work harder than their brothers, they stretch it from the last time they told it. Don't they think we remember what they've said each time they've told it before?
...TURNING ON LIGHTS?
More often than not, when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, or to the kitchen for a Dr. Pepper, or for some other reason. . .just when I'm getting adjusted to the semi-darkness of the night light in the bathroom...ON POPS the lamp on Hubby's night stand! Knowing he was sound asleep when I got up and after I just about jump out of my house shoes, I say, "Honey, why did you turn the light on?" "I was afraid you'd stumble in the dark," he replies. For as long as I can remember, I've navigated this house in semi-darkness at night. I have the clothes in my closet - including shoes, purses and jewelry - "filed" so I could find matching pieces in the dark. If Hubby thinks I need a lamp turned on, day or night, in any room in the house, he turns one on for "me." He's even been known to do the same thing with a flashlight. He goes into the kitchen in broad daylight with sunlight streaming through all the windows and turns the light on to pour a cup of coffee. Can't men do anything (no, not THAT) in the dark?
More often than not, when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, or to the kitchen for a Dr. Pepper, or for some other reason. . .just when I'm getting adjusted to the semi-darkness of the night light in the bathroom...ON POPS the lamp on Hubby's night stand! Knowing he was sound asleep when I got up and after I just about jump out of my house shoes, I say, "Honey, why did you turn the light on?" "I was afraid you'd stumble in the dark," he replies. For as long as I can remember, I've navigated this house in semi-darkness at night. I have the clothes in my closet - including shoes, purses and jewelry - "filed" so I could find matching pieces in the dark. If Hubby thinks I need a lamp turned on, day or night, in any room in the house, he turns one on for "me." He's even been known to do the same thing with a flashlight. He goes into the kitchen in broad daylight with sunlight streaming through all the windows and turns the light on to pour a cup of coffee. Can't men do anything (no, not THAT) in the dark?
When I go to bed after Hubby does, just as I got inside the bedroom door, he wakes from a sound sleep, turns on his trusty flashlight and "lights" my feet all the way to the bed. I have to admit, though, if I have to be opposite a sex, I'm glad it's men.
As Andy said to Barney about Aunt Bea's pickles,
"There's only one thing to do...learn to lubbum!"
That's just what I did!
As Andy said to Barney about Aunt Bea's pickles,
"There's only one thing to do...learn to lubbum!"
That's just what I did!
November 9, 2001
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Copyright © 2015 - IcqGreetings4U
Copyright © 2015 - IcqGreetings4U
