Bumper Snickers

Actual bumper stickers found in the U.S.A.

Hang up and drive!

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

My kid beat up your honor student.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers.

"If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!"

You're driving a car; it isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restauraunt.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

My karma ran over your dogma.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Guns don't kill people (postal workers do)

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

I brake for hallucinations.

Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

i souport publik edekasion

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.

Jesus is coming - Look Busy!

Horn broken, watch for finger.

Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!

I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!

The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.

Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Bad cop. No doughnut.

I drive this way just to piss you off.

Now that you're on my ass, wanna get married?

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

No Radio - Already Stolen

Back off, I'm a postal worker.

Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.

Your father should have pulled out early!

So many pedestrians, so little time!

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it!

Honk if you LOVE Hanson -- Then run into a tree.

Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

Supporting America's Militant Agnostics...we don't know, and you don't either.

Keep honking -- I'm reloading.

I love animals - especially in a good gravy!

Earth first! ( We'll stripmine the other planets later)

Born free...Taxed to death.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.

In a few years I'll be tall enough to see over the wheel.

Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

Ankh if you love Isis.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting!

Woman make great leaders, you're following one.

Pray for whirled peas.

Honk if you love cheeses.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

So many cats. So few recipes.

I need patience. NOW!

My other vehicle is a broom stick.

My God is alive--sorry about yours.

I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband)

If you listen carefully on a quiet night, you can hear the sound of Chevys rusting in the distance.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink)

Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.

Free Tibet! (With the purchase of a Tibet of equal or lesser value.)

(On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk, I'm peddling as fast as I can.

(On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can.

Witches' Parking - All others Toad

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail

Life's A Witch And Then You Fly

I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt?

I think therefore I'm dangerous.

Get in - buckle up - shut up - and hold on!

Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly (Found on the back of a Pontiac Fiero)

Support your State Troopers - Drive really fast.

 

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Here's Your Sign / Label Laughs

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: 

On Sears hairdryer: 

Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: 

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. 

 (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: 

Directions: Use like regular soap. 

 (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: 

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: 

Do not turn upside down. 

 (printed on bottom of the box)(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 

Product will be hot after heating. 

 (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 

Do not iron clothes on body. 

 (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: 

Do not drive car or operate machinery. 

 (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: 

Warning: may cause drowsiness. 

 (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: 

Warning keep out of children. 

 (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: 

For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: 

Not to be used for the other use. 

 (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: 

Warning: contains nuts. 

 ( Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

( DDDUUUHHH)

On a Swedish Chainsaw: 

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 

 (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs Superman Costume: 

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 

 ( That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

 

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A Dog Named Beau (Written by Jimmy Stewart)

Beau He never came to me when I would call Unless I had a tennis ball, Or he felt like it, But mostly he didn't come at all. When he was young He never learned to heel Or sit or stay, He did things his way. Discipline was not his bag But when you were with him things sure didn't drag. He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me, And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me. He bit lots of folks from day to day, The delivery boy was his favorite prey. The gas man wouldn't read our meter, He said we owned a real man-eater. He set the house on fire But the story's long to tell. Suffice it to say that he survived And the house survived as well. On the evening walks, and Gloria took him, He was always first out the door. The Old One and I brought up the rear Because our bones were sore. He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on, What a beautiful pair they were! And if it was still light and the tourists were out, They created a bit of a stir. But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks And with a frown on his face look around. It was just to make sure that the Old One was there And would follow him where he was bound. We are early-to-bedders at our house-- I guess I'm the first to retire. And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me And get up from his place by the fire. He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs, And I'd give him one for a while. He would push it under the bed with his nose And I'd fish it out with a smile. And before very long He'd tire of the ball And be asleep in his corner In no time at all. And there were nights when I'd feel him Climb upon our bed And lie between us, And I'd pat his head. And there were nights when I'd feel this stare And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair. And sometimes I'd feel him sigh and I think I know the reason why. He would wake up at night And he would have this fear Of the dark, of life, of lots of things, And he'd be glad to have me near. And now he's dead. And there are nights when I think I feel him Climb upon our bed and lie between us, And I pat his head. And there are nights when I think I feel that stare And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair, But he's not there. Oh, how I wish that wasn't so, I'll always love a dog named Beau. ~ Jimmy Stewart ~

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Little Golden Book | Morals

The Poky Little Puppy": What Lessons Does This Book Teach ... Little Golden Books often feature simple, engaging stories with clear morals suitable for young children. Many of these stories highlight the importance of kindness, sharing, and overcoming challenges. For example, The Poky Little Puppy teaches about the consequences of being sneaky and lazy. I Am Golden emphasizes the beauty of diversity and celebrating one's heritage. - AI Overview The Little Red Hen - Moral of the story is don't be lazy and expect everyone else to do the work and then be rewarded for being lazy in the end. The Princess And The Pea - Not to judge a person by their appearance Chicken Little - The story provides a safe space to explore anxieties and the consequences of impulsive actions. The Store Boaught Doll - Teaching how some of the best things in life aren't things you can buy, but the things that were made with love Tootle - Tootle has to stay on the tracks, not to please Bill, but because he is a train and he is destined to become a Flyer. Everything I Need to Know About Family I Learned From a Little Golden Book - proves once again that those gold-spined books hold wisdom that transcends childhood. - Moral of something like half of Dr. Seuss's catalog: be satisfied with what you have. On the Lighter Side of Things: Moral of Goodnight Moon: A good technique for delaying going to bed is to insist on saying 'Goodnight' to every single object in your room (and, if needed, the house). Moral of The Cat in the Hat: It's okay to let that stray cat in while Mom's gone. It will totally clean up the mess it's making before she gets back. The Tawny Scrawny Lion: Vegetarian diets are fattening. Additional moral of "The Tawny Scrawny Lion": don't eat animals because they are people too, except fish. Tootle: Trains are totally easy to trick. (This is also the moral of many episodes of "Thomas the Tank Engine.") The Poky Little Puppy: That weird Aspergery kid may seem like a harmless nuisance, but watch out, because he's probably plotting to steal your chocolate custard. Scuffy the Tugboat: You may think you're destined for bigger and better things, but you're so wrong, loser. The Saggy Baggy Elephant: Don't listen to asshole parrots. The Shy Little Kitten: Cats eat carrots. The Little Red Hen: the fruits of labor belong to the proletariat  Also check out this read about Diane Muldrow's Book here This book provides humorous yet practical life advice for adults culled from iconic Little Golden Books from the mid-20th century. The Golden Book of 365 Stories PDF

 

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She Was At A Loss... (Dear Abby)

Readers probe the columnist ,Dear Abby for guidance on issues related to religion, family, business, and other forms of interpersonal conflict. What is really scary is that these people can vote . . . DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS ... Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Advice columnist Ann Landers, right, and her twin sister Pauline, who also wrote an advice column as Dear Abby,
are shown in a photo from June 1986, at their 50th high school reunion in Sioux City, Iowa. (AP Photo/John Gaps III)

 

Did you know....

The "Dear Abby" advice column is currently written by Jeanne Phillips, who uses the pen name Abigail Van Buren. She inherited the column from her mother, Pauline Phillips, who founded it in 1956. Jeanne Phillips has been writing the column since 2000.
 

Dear Abby ARCHIVES - UExpress has Abigail Van Buren's (also known as Jeanne Phillips) Dear Abby column archives dating back to 1991.
 

Pauline Esther Phillips (née Friedman; July 4, 1918 – January 16, 2013), also known as Abigail Van Buren, was an American advice columnist and radio show host who began the well-known Dear Abby newspaper column in 1956. It became the most widely syndicated newspaper column in the world, syndicated in 1,400 newspapers with 110 million readers. - Wiki

 

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Fun Historical Facts

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:   Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.   Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”   Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”   There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence. Maybe the phrase “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”   The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying “dirt poor.”   The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”   In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”   Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon. “They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”   Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.   Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”   Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”   They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were “piss poor.” But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot; they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low.   England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift” to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”   ... And that’s the truth. Whoever said that History was boring?

Author Unknown

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Getting Older — My Foot!

Getting Older my foot….perpetually aging sounds better

— I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

— Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

— The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

— Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?

— I’ve sure gotten old.! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

— A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” “Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97 Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” “You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

— An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week .”

— My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

— Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

— I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

— I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

— It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

— These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

— I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”

— Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

— Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.!

— Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

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"Confucius Say" Fortunes

Of course these "fortunes" are meant to be entertaining, but I feel that Confucius would agree that they still offer good advice. Bake up a batch of cookies using the recipe from Lil Luna or TheSpruceEats. Cut apart and put a fortune in each cookie. Confucius say: Man who drive like h*## bound to get there.  Confucius say: Man who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet get high on pot. Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired. Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse got to be patient. Confucius say: Man who sit on tack get point. Confucius say: Man with unchecked parachute likely to jump to conclusion. Confucius say: Wise man get clean in hot water. Confucius say: Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose. Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted. Confucius say: Man who guess woman's age may be smart, but not very bright. Confucius say: Man who throws dirt loses ground. Confucius say: Man who plow straight furrow fall in rut. Confucius say: Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Confucius say: Wise man never eat yellow snow. Confucius say: Naked man fears no pick pocket. Confucius say: Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. Confucius say: Man with one chopstick go hungry. Confucius say: Man who shoot off mouth bound to lose face. Confucius say: Woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink Confucius say: Man who jump through screen door likely to strain himself. Confucius say: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Confucius say: Man who tells one too many light bulb joke soon burn out. Confucius say: Man who live in glass house should change in base-ment. Confucius say: Man who keep nose to grindstone end up with pointy nose. Confucius say: Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon. Confucius say: Man who cook carrots and peas in same pot not eat from pot. Confucius say: Wise man make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth. Confucius say: Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Confucius say: Man who listen for train with head on track likely to get splitting headache. Source:Collection 1972-Present by Shirley T@CraftSayings.com Readers Digest - 25 Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings Confucius Says… And Other Words of Wisdom from Fortune Cookies

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The Reunion

So long ago, and far away When we were all so young Tearing through the high school halls We were filled with love and fun. And now comes our reunion Old friends I'll see at last Excitement fills my mind with joy My heart is beating fast. I arrive and I am mystified I see no one that I know Could these strangers in this place Be my friends from long ago? Someone asks my name Then sticks a name tag on my dress She hugs me hard and whispers "It's so good to see you Bess!" I sneak a look at her tag And shocked I am to see This tiny white haired lady Had been such a friend to me! I scan the room looking for A boy that I once knew I'm looking for black curly hair And eyes that sparkled blue. I'm talking, wandering, laughing Reading name tags as I go Searching for that special one That I loved so long ago. At last, I read his name tag And my eyes rise to his face His eyes still blue and sparkling But of hair...there is no trace! But in my eyes I soon discover They look the same as way back then So we'll laugh and dance this night away For we may never meet again. ~ Charlotte Anselmo ~

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Those April Showers

The sky was getting very cloudy with a promise of rain. Tommy's mother told him he would have to stay indoors because a storm was brewing. However, Tommy was a mischievous little boy with a definite mind of his own. He wanted in the worst way to go out and play, so he pestered and pestered his Mom until she gave in. Her instructions were absolutely clear, " You are to wear your slicker, carry and umbrella, and have galoshes on your feet."   He thought to himself that it would be nice to pack a lunch so he got the peanut butter and jelly and whipped up a couple of sandwiches for himself and a friend. None of his playmates could come out so he decided to call upon an imaginary friend Jeremy. He rather share with him anyway because Jeremy was never hungry, he never argued with him about what to do and if you were to ask Tommy he would tell you that Jeremy was the best friend of all. With a backpack on Tommy slipped out of the house when Mom wasn't looking forgetting her instructions. He did manage to remember the umbrella but the slicker and galoshes were soon forgotten.   They no sooner got out of the house than the rain started, first in a slight mist and then in a more persistent shower. He curled up under a big bush and just watched the rain come down. Getting a bit hungry he reached in his backpack for a peanut butter sandwich, but before he could even get a taste he heard a croaking sound and sure enough there was a big bullfrog licking his chops. He broke off a piece and laid it on the ground in front of the critter and low and behold he scooped it up. Never heard of a frog eating peanut butter? Well you have now! Before Tommy could even take a bite he saw a little rabbit under this bush and he too looked hungry so------- you guessed it Tommy broke off a piece for the rabbit and it was gone in a jiffy. Yup you guessed it rabbits also eat peanut butter.   Before he knew it Tommy had gathered a crowd of frogs, rabbits, a turtle, a yellow stray dog and a black cat. And yes they all had a piece of the peanut butter sandwich.   The rain was starting to come down more fiercely so Tommy packed up and headed for home. He and Jeremy did not even get to share one sandwich and by the time he got home he was really hungry.   His mother was really angry when she saw her little boy soaked to the skin. He had come home and when the wind blew the leaves flew into his hair and stuck to his skin. So he looked like a little bush coming to the parlor.   She immediately put him in a warm tub and got all the elements off of him then took him into the kitchen to warm some milk and you guessed it made a peanut butter sandwich for she knew he did not have any lunch. (at least not at home)   After he finished his lunch Tommy went into the front room where his Mom was watching a soap opera. He snuggled up on the couch with her and whispered "Mom I really love you and I am sorry about disobeying you, I hope you forgive me."   His Mother just smiled and stroked his head and answered, "Tommy you know I love you or I wouldn't want what is best for you, even when you sneak peanut butter sandwiches. But for the life of me I can't understand how you can always be so hungry."   With this Tommy just snuggled down for a nap because his Mom would never believe about his excursion and sharing his food with the animals. He thought to himself Well I will try again tomorrow and hope those April showers forget to come along.

© Carol G Oliver

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"Corduroy" StoryBook Text & Gallery

Corduroy is a bear who once lived in the toy department of a big store. Day after day he waited with all the other animals and dolls for someone to come along and take him home. The store was always filled with shoppers buying all sorts of things, but no one ever seemed to want a small bear in green overalls. Then one morning a little girl stopped and looked straight into Corduroy's bright eyes. “Oh, Mommy!” she said. “Look! There's the very bear I've always wanted.” “Not today, dear.” Her mother sighed. “I've spent too much already. Besides, he doesn't look new. He's lost the button to one of his shoulder straps.” Corduroy watched them sadly as they walked away. “I didn't know I'd lost a button,” he said to himself. “Tonight I'll go and see if I can find it.” Late that evening, when all the shoppers had gone and the doors were shut and locked, Corduroy climbed carefully down from his shelf and began searching everywhere on the floor for his lost button. Suddenly he felt the floor moving under him! Quite by accident he had stepped onto an escalator – and up he went! “Could this be a mountain?” he wondered. “I think I've always wanted to climb a mountain.” He stepped off the escalator as it reached the next floor, and there, before his eyes, was a most amazing sight – tables and chairs and lamps and sofas, and rows and rows of beds. “This must be a palace!” Corduroy gasped. “I guess I've always wanted to live in a palace.” He wandered around admiring the furniture. “This must be a bed,” he said. “I've always wanted to sleep in a bed.” And up he crawled onto a large, thick mattress. All at once he saw something small and round. “Why, here's my button!” he cried. And he tried to  pick it up. But, like all the other buttons on the mattress, it was tied down tight. He yanked and pulled with both paws until POP! Off came the button – and off the mattress Corduroy toppled, bang into a tall floor lamp. Over it fell with a crash! Corduroy didn't know it, but there was someone else awake in the store. The night watchman was going his rounds on the floor above. When he heard the crash he came dashing down the escalator. “Now who in the world did that!” he exclaimed. “Somebody must be hiding around here!” He flashed his light under and over sofas and beds until he came to the biggest bed of all. And there he saw two fuzzy brown ears sticking up from under the cover. “Hello!” he said. “How did you get upstairs?” The watchman tucked Corduroy under his arm and carried him down the escalator and set him on the shelf in the toy department with the other animals and dolls. Corduroy was just waking up when the first customers came into the store in the morning. And there, looking at him with a wide, warm smile, was the same little girl he'd seen only the day before. “I'm Lisa,” she said, “and you're going to be my very own bear. Last night I counted what I've saved in my piggy bank and my mother said I could bring you home.” “Shall I put him in a box for you?” the saleslady asked. “Oh, no thank you,” Lisa answered. And she carried Corduroy home in her arms. She ran all the way up four flights of stairs, into her family's apartment, and straight to her own room. Corduroy blinked. There was a chair and a chest of drawers, and alongside a girl-size bed stood a little bed just the right size for him. The room was small, nothing like that enormous palace in the department store. “This must be home,” he said. “I know I've always wanted a home!” Lisa sat down with Corduroy on her lap and began to sew a button on his overalls. “I like you the way you are,” she said, “but you'll be more comfortable with your shoulder strap fastened.” “You must be a friend,” said Corduroy. “I've always wanted a friend.” “Me too!” said Lisa, and gave him a big hug. ========= View the FlipBook Also read "Corduroy's Best Halloween Ever" Flipbook which incidently is one of the Corduroy books where Corduroy lives on his own with his stuffed animal friends and no humans are present in the story. Create your own flipbooks created online free at FlipHTML5 , AnyFlip, and or PubHTML5 Notes: At first, this book was a stand-alone story, but later, the author wrote a sequel called A Pocket for Corduroy. Later, other authors continued the series. Disclaimer:  The text and graphics are adapted from the original source.  PDF Sources: Batten 2nd Grade / Corduroy.PDF https://w3.ric.edu/sherlockcenter/dsi/corduroy.pdf

 

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The Tree of Life (Story)

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow…He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by….. A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the treetop, ate the apples, and took a nap under the shadow. He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by, the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. “Come and play with me”, the tree asked the boy. “I am no longer a kid, I do not play around trees any more” the boy replied. “I want toys. I need money to buy them.” “Sorry, but I do not have money, but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money.” The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy who now turned into a man returned and the tree was excited. “Come and play with me” the tree said. “I do not have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?” “Sorry, but I do not have any house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house.” So the man cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the man never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the man returned and the tree was delighted. “Come and play with me!” the tree said. “I am getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?” said the man. “Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy.” So the man cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time. Finally, the man returned after many years. “Sorry, my boy. But I do not have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you”, the tree said. “No problem, I do not have any teeth to bite” the man replied. “No more trunk for you to climb on.” “I am too old for that now” the man said. “I really cannot give you anything, the only thing left is my dying roots,” the tree said with tears. “I do not need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years,” the man replied. “Good! Old tree roots are the best place to lean on and rest, come sit down with me and rest.” The man sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears. Author Unknown To Me   This is a story of everyone. The tree is like our parents. When we were young, we loved to play with our Mum and Dad. When we grow up, we leave them; only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could just to make you happy.   You may think the boy is cruel to the tree, but that is how all of us treat our parents. We take them for granted; we don’t appreciate all they do for us, until it’s too late.     ~ Moral: Treat your parents with loving care…. For you will know their value, when you see their empty chair…We never know the love of our parents for us; till we have become parents.

 

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The Paradox of our Times

THE PARADOX OF OUR TIMES - His Holiness the Dalai Lama   Is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints   We spend more, but we have less We have bigger houses, but smaller families More conveniences, but less time We have more degrees, but less sense More knowledge, but less judgment More experts, but more problems More medicines, but less wellness   We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often   We have learnt how to make a living, but not a life We have added years to life, but not life to years We’ve been all the way to the moon and back But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour   We have conquered outer space, but not inner space We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted our soul We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice We’ve higher incomes, but lower morals We’ve become long on quantity but short on quality   These are the times of tall men, and short character Steep profits, and shallow relationships These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare More leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition These are the days of two incomes, but more divorces Of fancier houses, but broken homes   It is a time when there is much in the show window And nothing in the stockroom A time when technology can bring this letter to you And a time when you can choose Either to make a difference.... or just hit, delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

And always remember, life is not measured by number of breaths we take,
but by those moments that take our breath away.    – Dr. Bob Moorehead

 

20 of the most powerful paradoxes of life examples include-
The Social Media Paradox - More connectedness, less connected   

The Talking Paradox - "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." - Epictetus 

Read more...

 

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