WOMEN ~VS~ MEN DIFFERING VIEWS!   EATING OUT: If P.J., Melanie, Jan and Judi go out for lunch,   they will call each other Judi, Melanie, Jan and P.J..   But if Doug, Steve, Jim and Don go out for a brewsky,   they will affectionately refer to each other   as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.   And when the check comes,   Doug, Steve, Jim and Don will each throw in $20 bills,   even though it's only for $22.50.   None of them will have anything smaller,   and none will actually admit they want change back.   When the girls get their check,   out come the pocket calculators.     BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom-   a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,   and a towel from the Holiday Inn.   The average number of items   in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.   A man would not be able   to identify most of these items.     GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs   and then goes out to the store and buys these things.   A man waits till the only items left in his fridge   are half a lime and a soda.   Then he goes grocery shopping.   He buys everything that looks good.   By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,   his cart is packed tighter than   the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.   Of course, this will not stop him from going   to the 10-items-or-less lane.     SHOES: When preparing for work,   a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,   then slip on Reebok sneakers.   She will carry her dress shoes   in a plastic bag from Saks.   When a woman gets to work,   she will put on her dress shoes.   Five minutes later, she will kick them off   because her feet are under the desk.   A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.     CATS: Women love cats.   Men say they love cats,   but when women aren't looking,   men kick cats.     DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to:   go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,   answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up for:   weddings, funerals.     LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.   A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,   including his surgical pants that were hip   about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.   When he is finally out of clothes,   he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,   rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes   to the Laundromat.   Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.   ( This is a myth perpetuated by   reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style." )     OFFSPRING: Ah, children.   A woman knows all about her children.   She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games   romances, best friends, favorite foods,   secret fears, hopes and dreams.   A man is vaguely aware   of some short people living in the house.

 

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I'm Fine ~~ How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,   I'm just as healthy as can be,   I have arthritis in both knees,   And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.   My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,   But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.   All my teeth have had to come out,   And my diet I hate to think about.   I'm overweight and I can't get thin,   But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.   And arch supports I need for my feet.   Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.   Sleep is denied me night after night,   But every morning I find I'm all right.   My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.   But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.   Old age is golden — I've heard it said,   But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.   With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,   And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.   And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,   Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?   The reason I know my Youth has been spent,   Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!   But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,   Of all the places my get-up has been.   I get up each morning and dust off my wits,   Pick up the paper and read the obits.   If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,   So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.   The moral of this as the tale unfolds,   Is that for you and me, who are growing old.   It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,   Than to let people know the shape we are in.   Diamond C Aloes

 

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The Abandoned Chicken: A Story of Regret and Helplessness

The Importance of Helping Others in Need Image © Copyright Marina Saumell from the book "Hector, The Misunderstood Snake" by Kimberly K. Schmidt and Illustrated by Marina Saumell The snake bit the chicken and, with the poison burning in her body, she sought refuge in the chicken coop. But the other hens preferred to expel her, fearing that the poison would spread. The chicken limped away, crying in pain. Not for the bite, but for the abandonment and disdain of his own family, just when he needed it the most. And just like that he walked away...... burning with fever, dragging a leg, vulnerable to cold nights. With every step, a tear came down. The chickens in the chicken coop watched her move away, until they saw her disappear into the horizon. Some said : – Let her go... he will die far from us. And when the chicken finally disappeared into the vastness of the horizon, they were all certain that she was dead. Some even looked up into the sky, hoping to see vultures fly. Time has passed. Much later, a hummingbird came to the chicken coop and announced: – Your sister lives! He lives in a cave not far from here. She recovered, but lost a leg due to a snake bite. He is having a hard time finding food and needs your help. Silence followed. Then the excuses began: – I can't go, I'm laying eggs... – I can't go, I'm looking for corn... – I can't go, I have to take care of my chicks... So, one after another, they all rejected the request. The hummingbird returned to the cave, without any help. Time passed again. Much later, the hummingbird returned with painful news: – Your sister is dead... she died alone in the cave... there's no one to bury her or mourn her. At that moment, a burden weighs on everyone. A deep complaint filled the chicken coop. Whoever was laying eggs stopped. He who searched for corn left the seeds behind. Whoever took care of the chicks, for a moment, forgot about it. Regret hurts more than any poison. "Why didn't we go earlier? ", they asked. And without measuring distance or effort, everyone left for the cave, crying and complaining. Now they had a reason to see her, but it was too late. When they reached the cave, they did not find the chicken... They found only one letter that said: > "In life, many times people don't cross the road to help you when you're alive, but they cross the world to bury you when you die. And most of the tears at funerals are not due to pain, But to remorse and regret.

 

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Nursery Rhymes and Their Meaning

The real meaning of these Nursery Rhymes.   Baa Baa Black Sheep Baa, Baa, black sheep, have you any wool?  Yes, sir, yes sir, three bags full.    One for my Master,  One for my Dame,  And one for the little boy who lives down the lane.    This rhyme refers to taxes. During the Middle Ages peasants were required to give one-third of thier income to their "master"--the King; one-third to the "dame"--the nobility; and the final third for themselves--the "little boy."       Hickory Dickory Dock Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, And down he come.  Hickory, dickory dock.   Patrick Rooney says that the "hickory, dickory, dock" chant is just an example of an onnomatopoeia.  An onomatopoeia is a word that imitates a sound. Patrick says that "hickory, dickory, dock" is the sound an "old grandfather clock with hiccups" makes.        Hot cross buns!  Hot cross buns! Hot-cross buns!  One a penny, two a penny,  Hot-cross buns!  Hot-cross buns!  Hot-cross buns!  If ye have no daughters,  give them to your sons.  In the Dictionary of Phrase and Fable "hot-cross buns" is defined this way: "In regard to 'hot-cross buns' on Good Friday, it may be stated that the Greeks offered to Apollo, Diana, Hecate, and the Moon, cakes with 'horns.' Such a cake  was called a bous, and (it is said) never grew mouldy. The cross' symbolized the four quarters of the moon."     Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.  All the King's horses and all the king's  men, Couldn't put Humpty together again.  During the English Civil War (1642-49) "Humpty Dumpty" as  the name for a powerful cannon. It was mounted atop the St.     Marys Wall Church in Colchester to defend the city against seige in the summer of 1648.  The church tower was hit by the enemy  and the top was blown off. "Humpty Dumpty" fell off and tumbled to the ground. The King's men tried to fix him  but to no avail.        Jack and Jill.  Jack and Jill, went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water,  Jack fell down and broke his crown,  And Jill came tumbling after.  This source comes that Jill, in earlier versions, used to be Gill" and was depicted as a boy. In the Norse Mythology the names were Hjuki and Bil. This rhyme deals with the markings on the full moon. The two boys went up a hill to draw water from a well and were captured by Mani, the God of the moon. When the moon is full two children with a bucket on a pole can be seen.       Mary had a little lamb Mary had a little lamb  It's fleece as white as snow.  And everywhere that Mary went  That lamb was sure to go.  It followed her to school one day,  Which was against the rules,  It made the children laugh and play, To see a lamb at school.  Mary may have been a real person who attended Redstone Schoolhouse here in America. It is known that a Mary Sawyer nursed a sick lamb back to health. In return the lamb became her pet and followed her everywhere--including to school. Sarah Josepha Hale may be the actual author of this rhyme; which would have been written in 1830.      Three Blind Mice Three blind mice! See how they run!  They all ran after the farmer's wife,  Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.  Did you ever see such a sight in your life  As three blind mice?  The page A Telltale Tail Tall Tale says that this rhyme is about Queen Mary I of England (the "farmer's wife"). Most of her estates were, indeed, rmland. She was upset with many of her noblemen (the "mice") but burned them at the stake instead of cutting them.

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A Woman's Definition of Everyday Words

ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment)n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. AIRHEAD (er*hed)n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. BAR-BE-QUE (bar*bi*q)n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, HE, "made the dinner." BLONDE JOKES (blond joks)n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope)n. Gotta get married in a church. CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n. An appliance designed to eat socks. DIET SODA (dy*it so*da)n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.; ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee)n. The last two minutes of a football game. EXERCISE (ex*er*siz)v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list)n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er)n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor)n. Similar to a black hole in space- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. CHILDBIRTH (child*brth)n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." LIPSTICK (lip*stik)n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! PARK (park)v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. PATIENCE (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "Tranquilizers." WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah)n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae)n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

 

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45 NATURAL HIGHS

Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one... It does make you feel good especially the thought at the end #45. Thanks Edna for the gentle reminders that the best things in life are FREE! 1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts . 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road . 8.. Hearing your favorite song on the radio . 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!) 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling . 14. A good conversation . 15. The beach 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter. 17. Laughing at yourself. 19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all . 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful . 23. Laughing at an inside joke . 24. Friends . 25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 29 Playing with a new puppy. 30. Having someone play with your hair . 31. Sweet dreams. 32. Hot chocolate . 33. Road trips with friends . 34. Swinging on swings. 25. Making eye contact with a cute stranger 36. Making chocolate chip cookies . 37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 38. Holding hands with someone you care about. 39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change 40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 41. Watching the sunrise . 42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 43. Knowing that somebody misses you . 44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think .   AI Overview: Natural highs are healthy, dopamine-releasing, and endorphin-boosting activities that provide euphoria without substance use, improving long-term mental and physical health. Examples include exercise, creative arts, nature, social connection, and mindfulness, serving as sustainable alternatives to drug-induced, artificial highs. 25 ways to get Naturally High

 

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CYNICS GUIDE TO LIFE!

The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows. And a foundation leaks
and a ball game gets rained out
and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where you're at work
in your underwear during a fire drill.

Do not walk behind me,
for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either;
just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving,
don't call anyone.
Just take another road.
That's why the highway department
made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off,
just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip:
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls,
you can hold the receiver up to it
and run your fingernails across it
until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something
from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group,
and the "whatever-the-thing- in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember...
You gotta break some eggs
to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone,
try to remember that all men are brothers ...
and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up
to the unmistakable scent
of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay
for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone
and your shoulder to the wheel...
it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land.
This land is my land.
So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster:
when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't...
you can't wait to throw up.

 

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It's Not What We Have

If it's not what we have Then is it what we don't, How can how much we give away Be such a thing of note. If I sit and hold it tight 'Cause I don't want to share, Will you want to be my friend If I'm just too sad to care. Yet, if I do give you a little lick Then you will feel good too, So maybe it's not really in the creamy delights But, just the sitting here, so cozy like With the cutest you.   Soft Whispers from Derry's Heart Poems © 2004 used with permission

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