1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.
4. I childproofed my house, but somehow they still get in.
5. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
6. I started a procrastinators’ support group… we haven’t met yet.
7. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.
8. I told my phone I needed a break. Now it keeps suggesting airplane mode.
9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.
10. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.
Five Bonus One-Liners
11. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
12. I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket: ‘Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?’
13. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
14. My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM. Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.
15. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot dow
2. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.
4. I childproofed my house, but somehow they still get in.
5. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
6. I started a procrastinators’ support group… we haven’t met yet.
7. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.
8. I told my phone I needed a break. Now it keeps suggesting airplane mode.
9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.
10. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.
Five Bonus One-Liners
11. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
12. I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket: ‘Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?’
13. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
14. My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM. Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.
15. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot dow
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Copyright © 2015 - IcqGreetings4U
Copyright © 2015 - IcqGreetings4U
