Are You Lonesome Tonight ?

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums? Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day... When you had all your teeth and your gums? Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him. Does your back give you pain... do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine? All that oat bran and fruit, metamucil to boot, Keeps you like a well oiled machine. If it's football, or baseball... he sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at... but forgets what it's for. So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? When you're hungry, he's not. when you're cold, then he's hot. Then you start that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, He goes left, you go right. Then you get his great symphonic snore. He was once so romantic, and witty and smart. How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart? So don't take any bets this is as good as it gets. TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONSOME TONIGHT?

Source: Mom's Place

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Lord's Hospital

I went to the Lord's Hospital for a routine check-up and found out I was sick. When JESUS ​​measured my blood pressure, he found that I was low on TENDERNESS . When he measured my temperature, he registered 40 degrees of SELFISHNESS . I had an electrocardiogram and it was diagnosed that I needed a BRIDGE OF LOVE , because my vein was blocked and wasn't supplying my EMPTY HEART . I went to the orthopedist because I was having difficulty walking side-by-side with my brother, and I couldn't hug him because I had fractured my arm when I tripped over my VANITY . Myopia was diagnosed, as I was unable to see beyond APPEARANCES . I complained that I couldn't hear him, and he diagnosed a blockage resulting from the EMPTY WORDS of everyday life. Thank you LORD , for not charging me for the consultation, for your great MERCY . I promise, when I leave here, to only use: Natural remedies, which you recommended to me and which are in the prescription book of YOUR GOSPEL . Every day, upon waking, I will drink a TEA OF GRATITUDE , upon arriving at work I will drink a tablespoon of GOOD MORNING , and every hour, a PATIENCE tablet with a glass of HUMILITY . When I get home, LORD , I will take a daily injection of LOVE and, before going to bed, two capsules of a CLEAR CONSCIENCE . By acting this way, I am certain that I will no longer get sick and every day will be a day of fellowship and solidarity . I promise to continue this preventative treatment for the rest of my life, so that when you call me, it will be due to NATURAL DEATH. Thank you, Lord!

relatosdeamor

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God's Refrigerator

If God had a refrigerator, his portrait would be on it! If God had a wallet, he would carry your picture in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you the sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He listens. He can live anywhere in the universe. But He chose her heart. Face it, my friend - He 's crazy about you! God did not promise days without pain, laughter without suffering, Sun without rain, but He promised strength for the day. Comfort for the tears and light for the path. Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

Source: RelatoDeamor

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